I did it on purpose, it’s not like I’m denying that or anything. And I knew what I was doing of course and what might happen. And I don’t even know if I wanted it to happen. A part of me did and a part of me didn’t, and a part of me thought that everything would be wonderful if it happened and a part of me thought it would ruin everything, so I can’t really explain it but it was like since I didn’t know for sure what would happen, I kinda had to find out. Like I needed to know, I needed the answer and the part of me that just had to know just kept growing.
And yeah, I know I could have just asked them. “Hey, what if..?” but it’s not like we never talked about it. We did sometimes but it was always like a joke, or more like a mind game; “Would you still love me if I did this? Or if someone did that?”
Everyone has done that. And the answer is always “Yes, I would still love you but don’t you dare do it!”
Don’t you dare make it happen. On purpose.
And that’s where I fucked up.
“Would you still love me if I did it on purpose?” That’s never asked, and if it is it’s turned around; “Would you do it on purpose if you loved me?” So it’s never answered. But what if you really need the answer? Because there’s a part of you that needs to make it happen? Even if you love them?
Because you love them.
I mean, there’s four of us. And we’re in love. And we’re a family.
Or, we were.
Like a couple, but with four people.
But sometimes you just go crazy because sometimes it is hard to wrap your mind around it, because Lucy and Tobey are like a couple within this couple and Cait and I are a couple within this couple, and it’s separate but still we’re all one and everything is allowed. So Lucy is Tobey’s girlfriend and Cait’s not and I’m not.
But we still are.
Or, she is.
And Cait is my girl and I’m hers and Lucy isn’t. But she is.
And it’s fucked up and wonderful at the same time.
Cait went crazy like that one time.
Every now and then Lucy and Tobey go away, to spend some time together just the two of them. Like a couple that’s just a couple, at least for a few days.
And Cait and I understand that. We do it too sometimes. And we’ve talked about it. It’s so we won’t lose that one thing that separates the “us” that lies within “us”. It’s the space between our bedrooms and you can cross that space anytime, alone or all four of us and it’s always okay but the space itself is always there.
And we’ve always agreed the space should be there.
Until I began wishing it would disappear. And I thought I found a way to make it disappear.
Like I said, every now and then Lucy and Tobey go away and so Cait and I were home alone a weekend like that and then really late in the evening Lucy called, and we were just watching TV and I picked up the phone and put it on speaker like always when we call each other and we’re not alone, because none of us ever just call one of the others, and I said “Hey, babe” and then I realized Lucy had lost her mind.
She was screaming, no, screeching and crying and laughing and completely unable to speak and I said “Lucy?” and she managed to say “Heeey! Baby! Oh my god! I’m… Is Cait there too?” and I said “Yeah” and I looked at Cait, and when I saw her face had turned white, I knew what had happened and my heart dropped and Cait suddenly had tears in her eyes and Lucy said “We’re getting married! He proposed! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!”
And Cait screamed “No!”
And Lucy didn’t get it and she said “Yes! Oh my god! Isn’t it great?! I’m so…” and Cait screamed “No! You can’t! I won’t let you!” and then she ran out of the room. And Lucy went quiet and then she said “What?” and then “Babes? Hello?” and I said “Lucy…” and she said “What’s going on?” and I said “Cait kinda freaked out” and she said “Why?” and I said “I think…” and then Cait came trampling back.
“Because you can’t! You just can’t” she shouted. “Why would you do that anyway?” and Lucy said “But…” and Cait said “I won’t let you! Not ever!” and then she ran back to our room.
And Lucy said “What do you mean? Cait?” and I said “Lucy, it’s okay. She’s just… angry.” and Lucy said “Why?” and I said “Because you’re leaving us” and she said “What? No. Why do you think that? I won’t ever,” and I said “Not right away but in the end you will,” and she said “What? No, I’m… Are you angry too?!?” and I said “I just think…” and she said “Seriously? Oh my god. You’re supposed to be hap…” and then her voice broke and she was quiet for a while and then she hung up.
And I tried to call her back but she didn’t pick up.
And I didn’t even bother to try again and I went after Cait and she was on our bed sobbing and she looked at me and said “So that’s it, huh?” and I said “No, come on,” and I sat down with her.
“It doesn’t have to be,” I said and she said “Yeah. It is. You’ve said that yourself.”
And I probably had said that.
“They’re gonna want to be normal one day,” she said and I think she was quoting me. “Just the two of them. And kids too.”
Then she curled up close to me and put her head in my lap. “That’s fine anyway,” she said. “It’ll just be you and me again. Like before. We don’t need them. If they don’t need us.”
And she cried more and I didn’t know what to say so I just let her cry and stroked her chin and her nose and watched my own tears fall down on her hair.
And it was really early in the morning when Lucy came home, the sun wasn’t even up yet and Cait and I were asleep but I woke up when Lucy opened our door and then just quietly shut it again and I got up and went after her, and her eyes were so red and I said “Hey” and she didn’t answer and I said “Where’s Tobey?” and she said “He’s staying with Mike and Amber,” and I said “Oh, okay.”
We sat down at the kitchen table and then she said “Tobey made me come home. I didn’t want to.”
“Why not?” I said and she just glared at me like that answered the question.
“He figures we need to talk,” she said. “Without him here.”
“And you don’t?” I said and she just shrugged.
“Honestly, no,” she said. “This has nothing to do with you anyway really.”
“How can you say that?!” Cait said from behind me. “Like suddenly we don’t matter anymore?” and Lucy looked at her and her eyes were burning and she said “This was supposed to be the best day of my life. And you made it the worst. How can you not be happy for me??”
And Cait said “Because it’s all about you!” and Lucy said “Well, duh. Did you think he was going to marry all three of us?”
“Or just you maybe?”
“No. Of course not. But… Aargh! You just don’t get it!”
“No I don’t!” Lucy shouted and then she looked at me. “Remember what you said?” she said. “You should marry him, you said. He’s perfect for you. You have to, is what you said. Remember?”
“I remember,” I said. “But it’s different now.”
“Oh, is it? So he’s not perfect for me anymore?”
“No,” I said. “I mean, yes of course he is. But…”
“But we are too,” Cait said with tears in her eyes.
And Lucy looked at her, and then she started to cry too. “We’re not doing it,” she said.
“What?” I said.
“Getting married,” she said. “We’re not doing it. I told him no.”
And then she hid her face in her hands and sobbed. “I told him no,” she said again. “Because of you. And he said “Please”,” she said and looked at me and her lips quivered. “He actually said “Please”.”
“Oh Lucy,” I said.
And then we had breakfast. And none of us really said anything. But now this thing, this thought that was already born somewhere in some corner of my mind, was growing and growing and growing.
And I knew what I had to do.
And Lucy and Tobey were a bit bummed out but they said everything was fine, and after just a couple days it really seemed like everything was fine and we were okay, and we didn’t talk about it and soon we didn’t think about it either and everything was like before but one day I told Cait “I feel so bad. We should tell them it’s okay. That they can do it. It sucks what we did.”
“I know,” Cait said. “But if we do… If they do, then… It’s going to be over. Some day.”
“No, it’s not,” I said. “I won’t let it be. I’ll make sure.”
Because I already was.
Cait and I use the same type. And we take it in the morning, after breakfast usually. And I kept taking it, popping it out of the disc and if Cait was in there with me I even pretended to put it in my mouth and swallow. But now it always went in the toilet instead.