Part 30: I'm sorry

There’s no sex in this story, so if that’s all you’re looking for, and it probably is, then don’t read on. Go back and read what I have written before, you should be able to find something there. This one is just the conclusion.

This is my last.

Cait left with her mom. Just like that. She left me.

And I was alone, somewhere between Cait and Lucy and this big ugly secret that wasn’t even my secret and so it shouldn’t be mine to keep but it was, and that was so unfair and the world had ended and Lucy wanted to know why and I couldn’t tell her and so I just stayed away, and she called me all the time and at first I picked up when she did and she cried every time and she would say things like “I miss Cait too, you know” and “She’s gone but I’m not” and “Why don’t you love me anymore?” and “What did I do?”

And I had nothing to say and so after a while I didn’t answer when she called anymore, and she kept calling and every time she did and my phone showed her picture and it said ‘Lucy calling’ it hurt so much and it made me cry every time and finally I had to text her; ‘Please don’t call me anymore.’

And she stopped.
But that just hurt more.

And the way I was with Lucy was the way Cait was with me. I called her but she didn’t pick up, and I texted her but she didn’t answer. The only times she did was when I texted her and asked her if I could tell Lucy, and she just wrote ‘No’, or I texted ‘I’m telling her, I can’t take this anymore’ and she wrote ‘No!’ or ‘Don’t you dare!’

And then one day Lucy’s boyfriend came over, alone. And I wasn’t at home when he did and mom wasn’t either, and when I came home he was sitting on the steps in front of the door even though it was raining and when I saw him there I stopped, maybe twenty feet away and just stared at him and he was smoking a cigarette, trying to cover it from the rain with his left hand, but when he saw me he put it out under his shoe and then he stood up and walked towards me and I wanted to run away but I didn’t and instead when he was close to me and he opened his mouth to say something, I whimpered and I said “Please don’t be mad at me’.

And he said “I’m not” and he put his hand on my cheek and he smiled, and I threw my arms around him and put my face in his chest and I sobbed.
I cried so much and he just held me and let me cry, and then we went inside and I was still crying when I took my jacket off and we went into the living room and I was shaking and he took my hands and he said “You’re cold, I’ll make us some coffee”.
And I said “Thanks” and he looked around for the kitchen and then he saw my blanket on the couch and he gave it to me and he said “You should get out of those wet clothes too” and so when he came back out with the coffee I was just in my underwear under the blanket and he sat down next to me and gave me a cup and then he said “How are you doing?”

And I shrugged and shook my head and I said “I don’t know” because I didn’t really. Every day was like I wasn’t even there, like I was just an extra in a movie or something, just walking by in the background. The sun came up and then it went down again, over and over and I didn’t care. I went to school and then I went home and then I went back to school again, and nothing was important.
Then he said “Look, I’ve tried but I can’t figure this out and I’m not going to ask you to tell me anything, but I’m begging you to come with me so you can talk to Lucy, I’ll just drop you off and leave you two alone for however long you need” but I was already shaking my head and he said “She’s hurting really bad” and I howled and I sobbed again and I said “I can’t”.

And he said “Of course you can. She loves you, she’s always loved you and nothing you can say or do will change that. And when someone loves you, you can tell them ev…” and I jumped up and I spilled all my coffee and I was standing there shaking my finger at him and I shouted “NO! Fuck that! Fuck that, because you don’t tell people anything because it fucks everything up! It ruins everything so you don’t tell people anything because they don’t need to know so it’s just evil! And everyone is fucked up and everyone has secrets and no one needs to know and I don’t want to know!!” and now I was just crying and I sat down on the floor and I said “I don’t want to know. I didn’t need to know.”
And he got up and sat down on the floor next to me and put his arms around me and I sobbed and I said “It’s not even my secret. It’s not fair. I want to go back. I just want to go back.”

And he held me and suddenly I was so horny. Maybe hornier than I’ve ever been in my entire life and I wanted him to fuck me. I needed him to fuck me, I needed to feel him inside of me again so bad and so I kissed him and he kissed me back and I rubbed his cock through his pants and he let me for a little while but then he took my hand away and he said “No, not like this” and I said “Please” and I kissed him again and I said “I need you” and he said “I should go” and he stood up but I grabbed his leg and I said “Please don’t go” and he crouched down to me and held my chin and kissed me and he said “I’ll be back” and then he smiled and he said “We’ll work this out, I promise” and I said “I love you” and he said “I love you too” and then he said “Do you have Cait’s new address?” and I said “She’s her sister.”

And I don’t know why I said it. I just did, the words just kind of fell out of my mouth.
And he said “What?” and I said “Cait. She’s Lucy’s sister. Her dad is… was… her dad too. She didn’t know.”

And he said “Oh”. And then he stood up and he said “Oh” again and I looked up at him and I said “I’m sorry” like it was my fault. And sometimes I think it was, because I kept Lucy in my life even when it was supposed to be just Cait and me and I was the one that kinda brought them together because I really never could choose between them and that’s why they hated each other and that’s why they had to fall in love because maybe they both felt that the only way they could be with me was if they were just as messed up as I was, and before me Cait wasn’t even into girls and before me Lucy was pure and I didn’t want them to be like that and I held them like prisoners in this haze that Cait’s mom had told me about, but she had been wrong, it wasn’t like just a haze, like something that was just there. It was like a spider’s web and people got stuck in it, helpless and unable to get away, just waiting for me to come and poison them.
And the poison, it consumes the spider too. Slowly, from within and the more people it devours the more the poison works on itself until it’s just all rotten on the inside and maybe that’s what happened to Cait’s dad.

“You can’t tell her” I said and he said “But…” and I said “It’s not your secret” and he said “It is now” and I said “I’m sorry” again.
And before he left I gave him Cait’s address and he kissed me again and he said “It’ll be alright” and I nodded but I didn’t believe him.

Then the next day I was at home with mom and there was someone at the door and mom went and opened it and when she came back I heard her say “I’ll leave you two alone” and I turned around and it was Cait.
And it was so good to see her after all this time and for a second it felt as if everything was the way it was before again and I jumped up and I ran to her and I thought she smiled but it wasn’t a smile at all and before I could get to her she said “You bitch!”
And I froze and she said “You selfish bitch! You had no right. I told you not to tell her but you did anyway and now you’ve ruined everything. You always ruin everything!”
And I said “Cait, I’m…” and she said “Sorry? Are you sorry? Of course you are because you’re always sorry. You ruin everything and then you’re sorry.”
And I said “I know. I’m sor…” and she said “It had to be me, I had to be the one to tell her. So I cold fix it, so I could make her see that it’s okay, that I don’t care. So I could go back to her, to them. So she would take me back. So you would take me b…” and her voice failed and her lips quivered and she was crying, and again I said “I’m sor…” and she shouted “Stop! Oh my God, just stop!!”
And she looked down and then quietly she said “Just stop, okay?”

And we just stood there, I was staring at her and she was staring at the floor for what seemed like forever. She didn’t say anything and I didn’t say anything, and the words she had said was ringing in my ears, like an echo that just wouldn’t quit; You always ruin everything!
And I wanted to run away again, just run through the door and down the street and far away and just run and run until I was in another world, until my tears had dried up, just run until I forgot why I was running. Just run forever.
And Cait stared at the floor and she was sobbing and her shoulders jumped up every time she caught her breath, but then she raised her head and she looked at me and then she slowly lifted her arms to me and she just said “Baby?” like she just now realized it was me, and now I ran all the way to her, I ran into her arms and we held each other, I held her and I didn’t let go, I’m not ever going to let go.

I whispered to her “Let’s just go. Just you and me, let’s just run away from here, from everything” and I stroked her hair and she nodded in my neck.

But we didn’t of course. We sat down and we talked, and mom stayed away and Cait said “I don’t know what to do. He’s gonna tell her and she’s gonna hate me. She’s gonna hate me because I didn’t tell her and she’s gonna think I knew the whole time, that I’m a freak. I am a freak!”
And I said “You’re not a freak” and she said “I am. It’s in my blood. Holy shit!”
And I said “So it’s in her blood too” and she said “Aargh! Seriously?? You’re not helping” and I said “Sorry” and she said “If you say sorry one more time I’m gonna break your neck, I swear” and I said “I apologize” and she actually laughed, just a little.

I picked up my phone and Cait said “Who are you calling?” and I said “Tobey.”
And when he picked up he said “Hey” and I said “Did you tell her?” and he said “No. I haven’t made it home yet.”
And I said “Please don’t. Please let Cait do it.”
“When?” he said and I looked at Cait and she was shaking her head so I said “We’ll come over, right now” and Cait shook her head hard and he said “That’s great. Thank you so much, we’ll wait up for you.”

So we went, and it was the middle of the night when we got there, and this time I knocked on the door.
And Lucy opened and she was still so beautiful but now she had these black circles under her eyes and I hated myself for doing that to her.
And she just looked at us for a while and then she said “I’ve made coffee.”

And we followed her into the living room and she sat down on Tobey’s lap and he put his arms around her and she hid her face in his neck, and Cait and I sat down and Lucy said, still with her face in his neck so we could barely hear her; “I hate you.”
And I said “Lucy…” and she said “You don’t do that to someone. You don’t just leave.” And Cait said “Lucy…” and Lucy looked at her and she had tears in her eyes and she said “I’m sorry your dad died, I am, but I was here for you. Why did you just go?”
And then she looked at me and she said “And you. Fuck you! I did nothing wrong so fuck you for not loving me anymore. Fuck you for loving Cait more. And fuck you because I still love you and I don’t want to.”

And Cait said “Lucy, listen. My dad…” but Lucy was still looking at me and I said “I couldn’t…”
And she said “’I just don’t love you anymore, Lucy’. See, it’s not hard. Just say it.” And I said “No, I…” and she said “Because you say that to people, you don’t just disappear” and I said “I know, but…” and she said “You don’t just put people through hell like that” and I said “I know, I’m sorry.”

And Cait said “Lucy…” and Lucy said “I don’t love you. Say it!”
And I said “No! It’s not true! I love you!” and she shouted “No you don’t! Because if you did, you wouldn’t have done that!”
And then she jumped up and ran out of the room.

And Cait ran after her and I almost did too but Tobey said “Don’t” and so I sat back down again. And we sat there for almost an hour and then they came out, and Lucy came to me and sat down next to me and she put her arms around me and she held me so tight for so long and then she said “I don’t hate you” and I said “I know”
Then I said “I love you so much” and she said “I know.”

And then she said “So… we’re cousins?” and my head exploded.

And from then on it was the four of us again. And it still is. And it always will be.

Because Lucy made us promise, “No more secrets” and Cait said “I promise” and I said “I promise” but I lied. And I told Cait one time, when it was just her and me. I said “I still have secrets” and she said “I know.”
And then she said “Just tell us” and I said “I can’t. Some of it is really nasty” and she said “Baby, nasty is what we’re all about” and I said “You’ll hate me. All of you will.”
“No, we won’t. You know that.”
“But I can’t. I’m no good at stuff like that. I’ll ruin everything. Again.”
“You know what you’re good at?” she said and I said “What?”
“Telling stories. Remember?”

And then she said “You should to that. Write it down. And you’ll make it sexy. We’ll read it. And you can just take your time, we’ll wait.”
And I said “You mean like, just write you a letter? Like a diary?” and she said “No. I mean like a blog or something. You know, tell the world.”

So I did.

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